When IMPACT held its Middle School Safety class this summer, I eagerly signed up my daughter and encouraged friends and neighbors to do the same. I was surprised I received some push-back.
“Aren’t they too young?”
“Won’t it scare them?”
“Do we really need to worry about kidnappings?”
From these interactions I realized just how many parents take a narrow view of self-defense, its methods and practical uses. It’s understandable. Why our society associates childhood violence with stranger-danger-style abduction is a topic best left for Executive Director Meg Stone, who literally has a book coming out on this topic next year. The statistics tell a different story. According to FBI data, only 0.1% of reported child abductions were by a stranger.
If we take a broader view, we see that an empowerment self-defense class for any age includes a whole set of skills that will be useful in everyday situations. Students can call upon the verbal and discernment techniques taught as they navigate peer pressure, romantic relationships and increasing independence from their caregivers. These are all situations that require kids to:
- Notice specific behaviors in themselves and those around them
- Decide what they are comfortable and not comfortable with
- Communicate assertively to set boundaries
- Enforce those boundaries even if the encounter escalates
Those are challenging asks for adolescent brains! Just like learning a sport, instrument or artistic medium, these are skills that need to be developed, practiced and nurtured.
Outside the classroom, we can help kids at home, in school, and in extra-curricular activities by modeling healthy responses when they practice their skills… on us. Here’s an example from the Middle School class: at the end of the course, caregivers were invited into the classroom for a demonstration. Students told their caregiver whether it was ok or not ok to take photos and video of them. Personal discussions ensued. The instructor then acknowledged that these students had just set a boundary with their adults, and asked the adults to reflect on how they responded. Was the boundary honored? Ignored? Negotiated? How did it feel if/when the child enforced the boundary or showed displeasure if it was crossed? We cannot expect our children to behave in assertive and empowered ways if we do not support them when they try at home. It will feel uncomfortable and awkward for both child and adult, but it is vital. If we behave as if boundaries and assertiveness are to be used “out there” and not in the home, we show them that we don’t actually believe in these things, or worse, that boundaries have no place in loving relationships.
Empowerment self-defense helps kids find their voice, that it’s ok to say ‘NO’ even to adults, to be loud, to inconvenience others, to look at behaviors instead of making snap judgements, and to ultimately learn to live in alignment with their burgeoning values.
We see how important it is to foster these skills early on when we teach adult self-defense classes. A couple of weeks ago, we held a class for adult women on the Hatchshell in Boston in conjunction with Healthworks – the female-only fitness center. After the event, several women chatted with us, all with similar comments.
“It’s like you gave me permission to say ‘no’. I didn’t even realize I needed that.”
“I’m always worried about making a scene. That was really empowering.”
“It felt so awkward at first, but Shay [the instructor] was right. If I’m in a vulnerable position I don’t need to make others comfortable. I need to protect myself!”
Most of their lives, these women have been given messages that they couldn’t speak up, get loud or set boundaries. Most female-presenting people receive the same type of messages, so it makes sense that re-programming – and learning that it is okay for us to protect ourselves – is challenging work. If we want a society of empowered adults that have healthy relationships and can take on the world’s challenges, we can’t begin this work as adults. We need to start early. And we need to let our kids practice, on us, regularly.